Musing « The DI Denizen

Archive for the ‘Musing’ Category

Alas.

Tuesday, June 29th, 2010

Yesterday I sat my pregnant self down on the kitchen floor, let the cabinet knobs press on the back of my neck, and cried off all my mascara. Overwhelm and hormones combined against me and I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I’ve had pressure under my right rib, which I though was a baby, then I thought it was just gas, until it went away after my good cry yesterday and now I know it was just a ball of ugly emotion.

Mr. Denizen told me I should blog when I feel like blogging, which used to sound like a good plan, but the problem is I NEVER feel like blogging anymore. And I know that if I feel like this now that it’s only going to be worse later and the last thing I want is for my creative endeavors to feel like a chore.

With much thought, some sadness, and a pinch of embarrassment I have decided to end The DI Denizen. In the short time that I have had my site I’ve really enjoyed doing it. I love the way the site looks, the projects I’ve created, and the support and response I have from my readers. I have the material to continue blogging, well, forever! But my priorities are wandering elsewhere and I am excited to take this new path.

Alas, I will miss connecting with other people and feeling involved in something exciting. I hope I have inspired you to find your own mix of wit, will, courage and chutzpah!

I’m not losing myself completely in motherhood. I WILL find time to create in a smaller capacity, deep in the corners of my basement, where no baby can find me. If you would like to follow my artistic endeavors please visit me at carajeanmeans.wordpress.com. And I will still keep my Etsy shop going as well.

Farewell!

Tags: Business, Musing

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Me Hungry. Twins Make Belly Fat.

Tuesday, June 1st, 2010

Observe, about three years ago, my first pregnancy at 22 Weeks:

Now, I know you always get bigger, faster, with subsequent pregnancies, and I did always measure small with my son, but, it seems as though if I look closely, I can actually watch myself grow. This is me this morning, at just 12 Weeks:

I’ll be snapping a picture once a week from now on. Unless I get so big that I don’t fit in my lens anymore and I can’t afford to buy a wide angle lens right now.

Tags: Business, Humor, Musing

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A New Project, as if I Don’t Have Enough

Wednesday, May 19th, 2010

My daughter is suddenly experiencing the harsh reality that her little brother is growing up and is no longer taking any bullying or toy stealing from her. We’ve had several emotional freak outs this week regarding her wanting something of his, him being unwilling to give it up and/or ratting her out, and me laying down the law (ie: taking her special things away for a time so she can have a taste of her own medicine).

The whole situation has me feeling like I would like to list both of them in the FREE section on Craigslist.

I have endured most of it with calm assertiveness, but now it’s Wednesday…and I am running out. Mix that with the hormonal superfluousness that I am experiencing from the pregnancy and I’m feeling a cross between rage and woe. I’m nervous for the future. For just next week even because summer begins…and I will be with them both all day, everyday of the week, for 12 weeks…And for that other future where I will have FOUR OF THEM and they will all be vying for their own individual time. The adult to child proportion seems precariously off balance.

What I need most right now is peace.

And something to think about besides children.

Here’s what I came up with in the wee hours of the morning, sometime between peeing and eating a bowl of yogurt because the feti said I had to.I really geek out over hanging things from the ceiling (like the time I folded and hung 93 paper cranes for Rae’s birthday) and I have been wanting something original and meaningful to hand over my kitchen table. I especially like things in multiples. Heh, anyone catch that irony? So I have decided to collect white birds, or doves, to symbolize peace, and faith in the will of the Lord and His hand in my life.

Picture this in my kitchen!!!! Not the singer…the birds…0:52.

I haven’t decided yet how bird number one will come to be, or how many I want to collect. I want to carve a few, but I don’t have any carving supplies, or know how to carve. That could pose a problem. I have carved things out of Styrofoam and coated them in plaster before. It was a pain. But worth it. As most painful things are.

Tags: Musing

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Not What They Mean by “Nesting”

Monday, May 17th, 2010

I don’t want to make anything.

I just want to play “Angry Birds” on my cell phone.

I don’t want to blog about anything important or exciting.

I just want to keep the kitchen clean and feed myself…every hour.

I don’t want to meet new people, follow tweets, or read anyone else’s blogs.

I just want to watch “Chuck” and go to bed at 9:30.

I don’t want anyone to bother me with things that they need like food and diaper changing, or entertainment, or affection, or things to show me, or any other requirement of me because I am in fact still a functioning and capable adult human being with responsibilities because what I really feel like right now is a plump and dangerous bird sitting, very defensively, on her eggs. I just want to sit in my nest and grow my eggs…with both fingers plugging my ears and my eyes closed.

Tags: Business, Humor, Musing

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Lesson on Productivity: Priorities Change, and It’s Going to Be OK!

Saturday, May 8th, 2010

Lately I have been occupied with thoughts of needing to re-evalute my priorities. I’ve felt less passionate about my desire to continue growing my blog into a big deal and more interested in increasing the amount of painting that I do. I’ve worried about my ability to balance what will, come December, be three kids for us, and all of my other involvements. It isn’t a worry of whether I CAN do it or not but more of whether I WANT to do it or not.

Well, I just found out on Thursday that it isn’t three kids for us in December. It is, in fact, going to be FOUR kids in December. That’s right folks, TWINS.

See that? Baby A, and Baby B. And a yolk sack. I can’t say I’m really all that surprised though. I have been feeling it for weeks. Hence all the deep, life probing thought. When I saw those two tad-pole-esque shapes on the ulrasound screen, and two hearts fluttering, I slapped the tech on the arm and shouted “I KNEW IT!” Then I laughed and wiped my face for a few minutes, did some deep breathing, and said a few swear words.

Needless to say, productivity and priority evaluation have been on my mind A LOT for the past three days. I have come to a few decisions, which I think I subconsciously made two weeks ago. As much as I want my blog to be a big deal, as much as I want to be successful in something (other than making and raising babies), now is not the time. My husband has encouraged me to keep blogging, only on a slower pace. I’ve been following an editorial calendar, trying to post twice a week, and network with other bloggers, but from now on I’m going to blog on an “if I feel like it basis”. And I feel really good about this decision.

I have cancelled my Naked Lady Party that I was going to have in June because we need to save money…for a minivan. Ugh. And I feel really good about this decision.

And I’m going to simplify my responsibilities and even outsource some of them. And I feel REALLY good about this decision.

So, readers, (I am and will always be grateful for you) today’s lesson on productivity is…When unexpected change happens, re-prioritize! If you are honest and forgiving of yourself, and open your mind to receiving spiritual guidance, you will make the right decisions. And the will feel really good.

About the babies, if you are interested:

I am 9 weeks along. Right now they have tiny T-Rex like arms with nubby fingers and their hearts are beating.

They are most likely identical although there is still a margin of error when determining that via ultrasound.

I think they are girls…and so far, I have been pretty dang right.

Tags: Musing

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Vlog: Teaching Finances to Children

Monday, April 19th, 2010

Tags: Musing

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Lesson on Productivity: A Painfully Necessary Lay-off.

Monday, April 5th, 2010

Warning: What I am about to say may cause adverse reactions included but not limited to: whining, pouting, bouts of boredom, intense cravings and anger.

One of the biggest reasons why I have time on my hands for extra-curricular activities is, I don’t have a television. Well, I have one, but it was under my bed until Mr. Denizen and I made the XBOX-Magenta Table Treaty and now it’s in (his tiny corner of) the office. We haven’t subscribed to any television services for about 5 years now. That’s not to say that I don’t watch any TV or movies. I have a few shows, and by a few I mean 4, that I watch online. Considering that these shows only come on once a week and when watching them on Hulu they are nearly commercial free, then I am watching less that four hours of TV a week. When my shows are off season I watch movies or read.

Everyone needs down time. There are nights when all I want to do is relax with Mr. Denizen, shove popcorn in my face, and be entertained, but I have become very selective in what I watch. The decision to stop watching TV was only partially based on increasing my productivity. Over the course of our almost 9 year marriage Mr. Denizen and I have started watching several television series only to become disappointed a few seasons in when they turn to smut. I’m offended that producers assume I’m that easily entertained; that deranged criminal activity (CSI, honestly, I think these shows give people ideas), sexually promiscuous employees (House, and many others) or strategically edited to be dramatic vocal competitions (American Idol) is all I need to keep watching. I said I want to zone out and be entertained, but my brain still wants to be challenged. This is why we started reading books out loud to each other to relax and be entertained. Don’t get me wrong, there are still plenty of smutty and/or brain anesthetizing books out there, but if we choose wisely, we can relax and not feel brain dead at the same time.

It’s a hard change to make. Some of us have very fond family memories centered around the TV. Most of us have even centered our furniture around a TV or have one in almost every room of the house. It may even feel like you’re getting rid of a convenience as quintessential as the toilet, but you will find that the increase in the amount of time you have on your hands to get more fulfilling things done will comfort and encourage you. And don’t worry, your laid-off TV, although it may look menacing, will not threaten you when exiting the premises.

Tags: Humor, Musing

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Overalls and Electric Guitar: Part Four

Thursday, April 1st, 2010

I sort of cheated. There were a few steps that I didn’t photograph because the change wasn’t noticeable enough. Then with one of the more embarrassing steps, coincidentally, the photograph didn’t turn out.

I have been trying to paint any time I get the chance, but not because I want to. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. Why do it if you don’t want to? I know about beginners hump and know how to push past it, but this is the first time I have experienced procrastinators hump. Allow me to explain.

Beginners hump is that feeling of overwhelm that slows you down when you first start a project. You’re staring at a blank canvas, not sure where to make the first mark, and want desperately to run away and be held by someone. I have to overcome it every time I start a new piece.

Procrastinators hump shows up when you have waited to0 long to finish or even begin a project. I took the photo for this painting at a friends concert last August and waited until now to paint, and then went weeks in between working on it. At this point, I have looked at it for so long that I can’t see it anymore and creatively, I have moved on to other ideas. This is my first experience with procrastinators hump, hence the reason I don’t feel like painting.

At some point I was really excited about this image. I know I have to finish. I know when I’m done I will be excited about it again.

Tags: Art, Musing

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